An A to Z guide for other first time Cowes Week sailors:
A is for Alcohol: the Crew member’s chosen lubricant. Unfortunately there is a seasonal excess of lubberly types (normally see on the Chain Ferry around midnight) who lubricate a little too much. Said lubricant then re-appears along with the evening’s fish and diced carrots for all to stand on.
A is also for Alex: Every boat must have an Alex at the front (wet end) of the boat because if the Skipper wants anything done he shouts “Come on Alex” and “Alex what are you doing now?” and “Hurry up Alex!” An Alex normally communicates back to the Skipper using hand signals.
B is for Bruises: Elbows, hips, knees, shins; racing yachts are cunningly designed to find a part of you that you didn't think you had and bruise it.
B is also for Broach: A technical term in which the Crew makes the boat perform a hand-break turn and stop by lying on its side. Much shouting ensues along with Laughter from other Crews; presumably they are happy to share the fun.
B is also for Broom: A big solid pole that holds the sail. It is good for sweeping unnecessary Crew off the coach roof of the boat. In sailing the r in Broom is silent.
C is for Crew: Racing crews are able to change a sail, baton a jib and compare bruises while eating a late breakfast and shouting at other boats about "my water!", "Starboard!" and "hold your line!".
C is also for Chain Ferry: A machine that transports smartly attired Crew across the Medina River in the afternoon and returns a bunch of over lubricated lubbers around midnight.
D is for Duck: A word shouted frequently, normally at Crew who stick their heads up to see why someone shouted “Jibing!” It has also become an adjective in yacht racing as it is not unusual, if I could hear properly, to hear the Skipper (see S below) refer to “ducking beginners” and requesting that “the ducking sale” is hoisted quickly. Something that is “Ducked” is irreparably broken.
E is for Exciting: How it gets when 30 IRC Class 2 yachts try to fit through the same patch of water at the same time. The atmosphere is much enhanced through the presence of French Crews (see F below) and genial banter between Crews in which the W code (see W below) is employed frequently.
F is for French: If you want to know which boat has a French Crew; stop and listen, they will be the ones shouting at everyone else and themselves. On closer inspection you will see that they all have white framed sunglasses worn on top of their heads.
F is also for Foxtrot Oscar: A technical term used in open radio discussions in which you are indicating disagreement with a request from the race Committee.
G is for "Grind!": A word shouted at the Kite (see K below) when it stops behaving.
H is for Hiking: A clever manoeuvre that Rail Meat (see R below) employ to look like they are doing something useful. The ability to retain your breakfast while Hiking is a much sought after skill. Being able to fall asleep while hanging, folded in half over a wire across your midriff, is the ultimate aim of all who aspire to be Rail Meat.
H is also for Hangover: A useful condition that prevents the Crew lifting their heads too high and being hit by the Broom (pronounced Boom by Crew).
I is for Innuendo: Other than the frequent distribution of chocolate, alcohol and pies, the way to a happy Crew lies through their opportunity to lower the tone of any conversation through the liberal application of Innuendo and Smut.
J is for Jolly: The name of the boat. It is normally Jolly Jellyfish but the Skipper had an argument with the organisers and “Jolly Censored” wouldn’t have sounded right on the results sheet.
J is also for Jibe: A manoeuvre designed to keep the Crew awake when shouting “Grind!” at the Kite doesn’t work.
K is for Kite: A big white curved sail that our Crew managed to get to burst spectacularly as we crossed the finish line. I though some points for presentation were deserved.
K is also for Knee Pad: a device worn on your knees to help spread the Bruises (See B above) to other areas of your legs.
L is for Laughter: Rib aching and cheek cramping laughing through ongoing banter involving Smut (See S below) and Innuendo (see I above) and the frequenting of Pub’s.
M is for Medina River: During Cowes week the Medina River becomes a Giles Cartoon bought to life; imminent catastrophe is occurring continually, normally involving lots of shouting. I guess the French must usually be involved. Then some fool tries to sale a car ferry through the middle of it all.
M is also for Motor: Boats using their motors must give way to those under sail. This rule is well demonstrated when some boats insist on sailing up the Medina River while everyone else, and the car ferry, is motoring out.
N is for Navigation: The skill that allows your Crew to laugh at other Crews who have run aground. A key adjunct to this skill is the ability to explain why your Crew were entirely justified in spending some time “on the mud” and that it was, in fact, all a cunning stunt.
O is for Ohno Second: This is the defined fraction of time between action and reaction. For example; the Ohno Second occurs in the instant between dropping the one and only baton pusher overboard and the full and frank discussion with the Skipper that results.
P is for Pub: the Crew’s home from home during Cowes Week. Crews retire here to lubricate and to engage in witty banter involving much Smut and Innuendo.
P is also for Protest: Sometimes a Skipper will feel that that another Skipper has not been sufficiently applauded for a daring close manoeuvre so he will fly a small red flag to Protest at the lack of appreciation from all Crews in the area. It can be literally translated as “Did you see that!” Use of the W code often also follows. The other Skipper can acknowledge the Protest and offer an encore (See F above) by hoisting a small yellow flag.
Q is for Quay: something to be applied firmly to a a boat. The harder you apply the Quay to the boat, the less chance you have of the boat becoming unstuck and drifting off. It also lifts the mood of other Crew in the area, who may have a Hangover, by allowing them the opportunity to join in with some Laughter.
R is for Rail Meat: A collective noun for members of the Crew who through dedication and hard work have attained the ability, through the cunning application of their own body weight, to hang over the side of the boat.
R is also for Race Committee: No one ever sees a member of a Race Committee but they can be heard on the radio. They talk very slowly and repeat themselves. A lot.
S is for Skipper: The guy standing behind the big wheel shouting “Come on Alex!” and “Lee Ho”. I never did work out who Lee Ho was or why the Skipper needed him when he already had an Alex.
S is also for Smut: a staple of racing Crews.
S is also for Sheet: a technical term for a rope. This might be because of what people say after they have pulled a rope to hoist a Kite quickly.
T is for Tired: What you are after you have pulled a Sheet. It helps to then go and have a little lie-down on the coach roof. This can also generate a new discussion with the Skipper on Ducks and Hunts. Presumably this applies to hunts for other water fowl too?
T is also for Tack; Also known as “Going about” or “Get on the Ducking high side” and describes a manoeuvre where the Rail Meat are awakened from their slumbers, for no reason.
U is for Umbrella: Do not try and use an umbrella on a yacht, even when it is raining. Trust me on this.
V is for Vague: This describes the instructions from the Skipper that are received by the Rail Meat.
W is a useful racing code letter: For example, when added in front of the word “Anchor” it becomes a technical term of approval that can be called out to other Skippers when they manage to turn their boats just in time to hit yours.
X is a symbol: It usually show’s a place of interest on a chart, often something you must go over, or go around or avoid. It is important to know which.
Y is for Young: A much desired quality in Crews that enables members possessing this quality to leap about Grinding and pulling Sheets and collecting Bruises while those of us less endowed practise our Hiking.
Z is a letter: If you try and create a number 2 on the side of the boat by hanging upside down applying white PVC tape, it looks like a Z.